A Reason To Be
by blahosaurus
Summary: Love gives us a reason to live, and it gives us a reason to die. A reason to breath, a reason to lie. A reason to be. A reason to stop. It gives us reason. And it does not. Complete


A Reason To Be

I could see that look in her eyes, and I knew she was thinking about _him _again. Sometimes I wondered why I did this to myself, why I tortured my soul so. I knew what she wanted, I knew she was using me, but I couldn't let her go. Not then, not now, not ever. Flashes of how I found her paraded before my mind's eye, and then is when I think _oh, yeah. That's why._

That's why I do this.

To her, to me. So that there is an _us_. For her. For me.

Slit veins and self inflicted wounds is what I found that ungodly night. Eyes so full of pain they burnt into my mind, turning into my deepest, darkest nightmare. Expression so full of sorrow, there was no wonder how she couldn't face tomorrow. Lying there, blade as cold as ice in her hands, life draining away from her once lively form, colour draining from the most beautiful of carnations. I had rushed to her side, unbelieving.

This simply couldn't be happening. Not to her. Not to my Kagome.

My heart hurt so much from the sight, I could only begin to imagine what she must have been feeling. That second, that breath, this life.

This. Couldn't. Be. Happening.

I had picked her up with trembling arms, with a fear in my heart that I had never known, all the while with her murmurs in my ears. Telling me to let her go.

"_No._" She whispered.

_No._

I had tended to her like she had done to me many times. Carefully, and with a love she had never shown in her motions.

Please live. For me.

And she wouldn't have, given the choice. She would have bit her tongue off and choked on it, she would have stabbed herself again, and again, and again. She would have drowned herself in the murkiest of waters. She would have set herself afire and watched herself burn in the agony that had taken place inside her. She would have _died_, utterly and completely, because without him, she couldn't go on.

Oh, yes, people seem to think I didn't know she loved him. With all her heart, her soul. Her _life_. But I knew she did. And I knew he had died.

Utterly and completely.

Taking her heart with him, so that she couldn't give it to me.

I knew what the hate in her eyes was when she looked at me. A resentment for saving her, so deeply buried it was lost within her, eating her sanity away.

When she had woken up in my den, she had stumbled out, moonlight bathing her in the drowning world she was in. I had turned to look at her, it was just us, for I had separated her from the pack, for the sake of peace and quite. She had looked me in the eyes with her haunted, sunken ones, and whispered with the breath of the dead.

"What have you done?" Her words sent shivers down my spine. Such endless pain. Where had the girl I had kidnapped gone? Was she this broken?

"I saved you." I whispered back, as if raising my voice would break the stillness we were in, but I needn't bother, for sudden, gasping sobs racked her body, making me rush to her side, but she pushed me away, choking on her tears like a dieing woman.

"Don't touch me! I hate you! I **hate you**!" Her arms were wrapped around herself, her stomach, as if trying to protect herself from me, from the fates that had forsaken her.

"No! Why did you do this to me?" She was rocking back and forth, scrambling for a stability to balance her, but she was so lost, she didn't want to be found. She fell hard on her knees, bruising them, but she turned her hell filled eyes towards the full, fool of a moon that watched us, and _screamed_. Howling all the sorrow, all her anguish, her doomed fate, all the unbearable pain, and tossing it to the sky for someone to catch it, for someone to save her.

But I was beside her all along…

"Kagome. Stop, please, Kagome…" But I couldn't reach her.

Not then, not now, not ever.

Days turned into weeks, and weeks into months, and she stayed, and I knew she didn't know quite why, though I did. The well had shut down, breaking what little heart she had left, Miroku and Sango had married and taken in Shippo, leaving no real place for her, even though they offered her one. She needed _someone_, even though she didn't want to admit it.

So we passed the days with me teaching her how to hunt, or build, or track. Making her survive, keeping busy with tasks, so that I didn't have to see the horror of her depth of sorrow when she thought. When night came and thoughts took over like monsters creeping out of shadows, invading her.

More often than not she would wake up in the night, sweating and calling out for her long lost lover like a plea for the sake of life.

"Inu-yasha? No! come back, _please_." Her voice begged the gods above to listen to her. I would grab her arms, shaking her awake as she shouted and called out, all the while crying. Always crying, her tears never ending as her walls fell down in the restlessness of the night.

And I would press my lips against hers, unworthy, pleading, and in the confusion of the nightmare she would kiss me back, with all the fervour she would have used to kiss him, and not the tainted wolf I was. But then she would see who it was, and would push me away, hurting more than just flesh.

"Kouga." She would half gasp, half growl.

Never the unworthy wolf I will always be.

My breath would be hot against her face, holding her to me.

"I love you." I would whisper, and I would see something break and repair, deep inside her, where neither of us could reach.

"No." She would say back, but I would hold her tighter.

"Let me love you." I had to be part of her. She had to be part of me. I knew she needed me, and that she used with the same intensity as my love for her, but it was ok.

That's just the way things were.

"Let me love you."

And my lips would be against hers, searching and giving. Always giving. I would give up so much for her. I was giving up so much for her.

She would fight me, push against me, but I would persist, yet never too far. I would claw at her barriers and take them back until the love that was shown to her would be too much to hold at bay, and it would flood her, her heart, her soul. Her hollow eyes.

He was dead and I was alive, and when she kissed me, she wished with all her mind and soul that it was vice versa.

But that was ok.

That's just how things were.

OoOoOoOooOooOo

What to say, what to say? I'm not really a Kag/Kouga fan, I had to kill inu-yasha first. Cut those little ears of his, make myself a bandana, and then shoot him in the head so Kouga could have his not so fairy tale ending. And then I killed Dorothy. Stupid girl…

Now you must review, my little monkeys, even if it's to say ' You sick, twisted woman, what the hell is wrong with you? You cut Inu-yasha's ears? I'm gonna…gonna…go there and steal them!' Cause that's what I would do. Steal them I mean. I want dog ears dammit! I told my mother this the other day, she looked at me like I was crazy, and said,

"Why the hell do you want dog ears, you weirdo?"

And then I stared at her like _she _was crazy and asked,

"Why would you not?"

Hmm, yes, You don't care, and I like talking to strangers. Just review, ok? Or I'll stuff so much chocolate in you you'll turn into a mushroom.

Disclaimer- Mmm, chocolate mushrooms…


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